The Hottie & the Nottie(2008)

Submitted by Tornado Dragon

One day, after a double date at the Santa Monica Pier between Nate (Joel David Moore) & Cristabel (Paris Hilton) and June (Christine Lakin) and her date goes awry, June is invited by a dwarf mime onto his stage, where he proceeds to draw a very unflattering picture of her. Suddenly, a handsome man comes out of the crowd and backhands the mime right off the stage, and he introduces himself to June as Johann (Johann Urb). He ends up inviting her, Nate, and Cristabel over to his seaside home for dinner, where he lists off some impressive credentials about himself while also mentioning that he is single and is a dentist, and he eventually offers to fix June’s rotten, crooked teeth for her. However, Nate starts to notice him bonding with Cristabel quite well about some things, and he gets very jealous and uncomfortable about it. The next morning, Nate tells his friend, Arno (The Greg Wilson), about what went on at dinner, and Arno tells him that Johann must have said all of the things he said because he has designs on Cristabel and was just buttering up June to get to her. He advises Nate to: 1) Start shadowing Johann to make sure he and Cristabel are never alone together where he can impress her without him being there to deflect it, 2) Never let Johann show him up in any way, and 3) Lie (to try to make himself look more impressive than Johann). After another outing with Johann, Cristabel, and June that doesn’t go well for him, Nate reports it to Arno, and Arno advises him to focus on something he actually IS good at and make use of it, but his attempt at that during another outing with Johann, Cristabel, and June doesn’t yield any positive results for him.

One night, Nate, Cristabel, June, and Johann go to a nightclub to have some fun, and Nate and June begin to find that they are growing closer to each other, but stop short of doing anything about it. However, when Nate spots Johann apparently trying to turn up the heat between himself and Cristabel on the dance floor, he hurries towards him intending to tackle him to the floor to put an end to it. Unfortunately for him, Johann moves out of the way, and he ends up taking down Cristabel instead. The two of them are then seen arguing outside the club about Nate’s actions, with Cristabel calling him the most jealous man she has ever met. Nate tells her to just admit that Johann is hot, and then he adds that he wouldn’t blame her if she does find him hot because he is the male version of her. Nate then humbly admits to her that he is out of her league, but Johann isn’t, and he knows that he can’t compete with him. Cristabel replies that he didn’t need to compete with Johann because she was with him; she really liked him and she thought that he was different, but it is clear that he only wanted to help June just to get closer to her (June’s overall appearance has been undergoing some changes for the better lately thanks to Nate and Cristabel, but mostly Nate), and she tells him that he IS out of her league because of how talentless he has proven himself to be and how much of a bad liar he is. She lastly declares that she never wants to see him again before walking back inside.

Nate spends the next three weeks wallowing in misery at Arno’s house until, one day, Arno decides to take it upon himself to crash Nate’s “pity party.” He thus slaps Nate across the face and tells him that he can’t give up on his dream (of making Cristabel his girlfriend), and after telling Nate that there is only one person who can help him now, Arno instructs him to meet this person at Danny’s Beachside Café today at 5:00 p.m. Nate later goes to the café, and when the appointed time comes, he is greeted by June, who now has a full set of perfect teeth thanks to Johann and has completed her overall transformation from hideous to beautiful. They proceed to spend a pleasant evening together and wind up back at the beachfront apartment that she shares with Cristabel, during which Nate finds out that Johann has not really come on to her yet. He asks June if he still has a chance with Cristabel, and she replies that she plans to help him with that; she and Cristabel will be holding their annual costume party next week, so he will get to see her then, but she advises him to be himself this time around. Shortly afterwards, he spontaneously kisses her, and when he remarks that he doesn’t know why he did that, June gets offended by it and makes him leave.

Nate goes to the costume party the following week, and he finds that Johann is among the guests. He then sees him kiss June, which he finds a little disappointing. June informs Nate that she smoothed things over with Cristabel for him, but warns him that she is a little drunk right now. Cristabel then appears wearing a wedding dress for a costume, and she tells Nate that June told her about what happened between them last week, but she is okay with it because she knows that he was just trying to protect June. She then makes a disgusting farting sound before spilling some red wine on her dress by accident, and June – having seen all of this – quickly comes up to Cristabel and ushers her out of the room. Later on, Nate has a chat with Johann, and Johann implies to him that June is likely going to sleep with him tonight to “reward” him for fixing her teeth. This angers Nate to the point where he tries to fight Johann, which Cristabel and June witness, but Johann easily defeats him. After Cristabel declares the party over and makes the guests leave, June confronts Nate on the patio about what he did and how he likely ruined a chance for her to lose her virginity and finally leave her “freak-fest” behind for good, but Nate tells her that Johann doesn’t really love her and that he told him that he thought that she would sleep with him out of gratitude for what he did for her. June tells him that she has never had a boyfriend in her life, and when Nate replies that Johann doesn’t get her or deserve her, she asks him if people truly get what they deserve in life, like getting a fairy tale ending. She then says that knowing what you are is also knowing what you’re not, and she doesn’t see herself as the girl that the guy runs to and tells his feelings to while all out of breath because not everybody gets that sort of moment. She lastly tells him that that is the thing about fairy tales: They’re just not true.

The scene then cuts to Nate sitting with Cristabel on her bed, but he is looking very conflicted. Cristabel tells him that, while she finds it sweet how protective he has been of June, he needs to understand that, if June wants to sleep with Johann, then that is her decision to make. She then tells him that, because he has found a man for June, that means that he now gets to have her. She then admits that she was testing him tonight by wearing the dress, acting drunk, acting anxious to get married, spilling the wine on her dress and using a whoopee cushion to simulate the fart she made in order to make sure that he liked her for her, because when you really do like someone, you are willing to overlook their flaws. Meanwhile, June goes to Johann’s house, but she doesn’t feel completely comfortable being there, and the discomfort increases when he uses a cheesy pick-up line on her that she heard before and is no fan of. Back at June and Cristabel’s place, Cristabel and Nate get themselves ready for their sexual interaction, and while Cristabel gets herself dressed into something more provocative, Nate decides to go snooping through June’s bedroom. There, he opens her bedside table and discovers that she kept the valentine that he originally intended to give to Cristabel when they were all six years old, but ended up giving to her instead out of pity upon seeing that she received no other valentines from anyone else in their class. Soon after, he walks into Cristabel’s room, and though he sees that she is ready for some action, he tells her that he wants to talk. After first admitting to her that the circumstances surrounding their reintroduction over two months ago were deliberately engineered by him and not coincidental, he explains to her that, for the longest time, he thought that she was the girl that he was meant to be with, but now, he thinks that he gave his valentine to the right girl. Realizing that he has fallen in love with June, Cristabel tells him that he needs to go tell her that he loves her right now, and Nate quickly heads out the door.

Nate drives straight over to Johann’s house, but when Johann opens the door and says “June”, he realizes that June isn’t there and that she and Johann didn’t have sex. He then remembers how, back during her unattractive days, she liked to go down to the Santa Monica Pier at night when no one was around so she could enjoy it in peace without people staring at her, so he drives to the pier’s entrance and then runs down the length of it until he finds her sitting on a bench. Out of breath, Nate tells her that he came here to tell her that, his entire life, something was holding him back from falling in love. He thought it was Cristabel, but now he realizes that he has just been fumbling his way to her. He then tells her that he doesn’t deserve her because he didn’t take the time to see who she was, and he knows now that she IS the girl that the guy runs to. June cries happily and points out to him that he has just told his feelings to her while being all out of breath, and then she and Nate share a passionate kiss.