(2009)

Submitted by Evan B

Pooper:
Sammy finally comes to terms with herself and her body. She quits her dead-end job at the Big Apple Food Town store and is surprised to see Eugene playing his music outside the store. Eugene chases after Sammy and finally confesses that he now knows who what he is and what he wants – and he wants her. The two sit at a bus stop and discuss their potential future, and then share a passionate kiss, something neither of them had experienced throughout the rest of the film.

Longer Ending:
Sammy Smalls (Cristin Milioti) is a tiny girl with a congenital defect that causes her to limp (and has some scars from prior surgeries). She is tiny in statute and dresses in baggy clothing, with many people confusing her for a man. She works as an undercover investigator at the large store Big Apple Food Town, where she wears a series of (often ludicrous) disguises and busts shoplifters. Though she loves the “detective” work, the store’s manager Dirk (Will Sasso) takes a “self-help” approach to dealing with shoplifters, tying them up in the back-room, beating them to a pulp, and taking a Polaroid of them to keep the memory. Sammy dislikes Dirk’s methods, and though this is clearly a dead-end job, meekly refuses to quit. She also seems in awe of the confidence of one of her co-workers, who may also be a nude model.

Outside the store is Eugene Zaslavsky (Mark Rendall), a talented musician that Sammy adores. She feels the music he plays on street-corners is “the truth,” and the two are friends. Eugene, however, also has a rough life, as he believes his mother purposefully contracted cancer to get out of her loveless marriage with his father. He also plays lead guitar for a popular local punk-rock band, though his stage-image and rock-guitar playing differs drastically from his true style and musical inclinations.

Sammy celebrates her 21st birthday with her bitter parents, whose relationship is clearly rocky. Sammy gets trashed at a local bar after her parents leave and stops by Eugene’s place to seduce him. She is incredibly awkward, however, worried that her slight deformity will turn hum off. She also laughs uncontrollably as they make out in bed (we learn later she can’t even touch herself without laughing – she claims to be “ticklish”), eventually causing Eugene to storm off. In the morning Eugene says that his parent’s experiences have proven to him that love is unachievable and says he can’t have a physical relationship with someone as inexperienced as Sammy. He then turns her out of his house. While commiserating with a senior citizen that she takes care of, she resolves to get the experience necessary to sleep with Eugene.

This results in a series of awkward sexual misadventures for Sammy, including:

Eugene also has incredibly wild sexual escapades, although he is left wholly unfulfilled. Sammy has resulted to taking shoplifters at Big Apple out to a nearby forest and “practicing” sex acts with them in exchange for not handing them over to Dirk. As a result of all of this, Sammy becomes quite good at sex and overcomes her ticklishness. Alas, one man she has her way with is an undercover cop, and after their sexual dalliance, he arrests her in connection with reports that an employee at Big Apple had been unlawfully imprisoning and assaulting shoplifters (charges that were obviously directed at Dirk). Eugene bails her out, and still rejects Sammy despite her sexual liberation.

Sammy is crushed that she has gone through all of this for nothing. She finally follows her retired friend’s advice and goes skinny-dipping, finding it to be truly liberating, more than any sexual act. Meanwhile, Eugene begins reading poems his mom wrote and finally decides to let go of his anger towards her. He also quits the rock band and clears his apartment of all the groupies and users.

Having finally come to terms with herself and her body, Sammy quits her job at Big Apple. As she leaves the store, she finds Eugene outside, playing his solo music that she loves. She passes by him, telling him she is done chasing him. Instead, Eugene chases her, confessing that he finally knows what he wants, and he wants her. The two sit and talk about the future at a bus stop, and the film ends with the two sharing a simple, passionate kiss – the only such kiss  shared throughout the entirety of the film.