Criminal Ways(2003)

Submitted by Tornado Dragon

AKA: THE WANNABES
While the Wannabes – Danny (Nick Giannopoulos), Marcus (Russell Dykstra), Stewie (Tony Nikolakopoulos), and Hammer (Ryan Johnson) – are riding high on their newfound popularity as children’s entertainers, Danny continues to grow closer to Marcus’ sister, Kirsty (Isla Fisher), and her son, Oliver (Nicholas Fleming), the latter of whom has been helping Danny write songs for the group. However, while hanging out with Kirsty and Oliver at an indoor playground one day, Danny gets to chatting alone with Kirsty and unintentionally offends her by openly assuming that she has had a bad life because she has been surrounded by criminals like Marcus her whole life, and then he tells her that he likes her and wants to take care of both her and Oliver. Angered, she calls him a condescending jerk who doesn’t know anything about her, and she also points out that he hasn’t lived a very well-adjusted life himself, having grown up with a rotten mother and having been embarrassed on a national TV talent show by the Wannabes’ manager, Jimmy King (Michael Carman), when he was a kid. Surprised that she knows about his past, he asks her how she knows about that, and she answers that Jimmy and Marcus had told her all about it before they even met. She then reveals to him that her, Jimmy, Marcus, Stewie, and Hammer coming into his life when they did was no accident; his role in molding the latter three into the Wannabes, as part of their earlier unsuccessful scheme to steal Aurora Van Dyke’s (Lena Cruz) diamond necklace during her step-grandson’s birthday party, had been planned months ago. She also tells him that they picked him not because he was a good teacher, but because they knew that he would be stupid enough to fall for it. Hurt, Danny tells her that he may be a little bit confused, and a bit screwed up, but he burned his cherished legwarmers and headband for her, and then he heads for the door. Regretting her outburst, Kirsty calls out to Danny to stop, but he ignores her.

Meanwhile, infuriated with Danny and wanting to kill him for trying to get him to break out of his shell and have him sing and dance like the rest of the Wannabes when they were rehearsing their act for the party, Adrian (Costas Kilias) decides to bring him and the rest of the band down by informing Aurora about how the band tried to steal her necklace. He thus heads to the mansion that she shares with her elderly husband, Granville (David Watson), and he provides her with evidence that he stole from Jimmy’s office that clearly shows that the Wannabes had every intention of purloining her necklace during the birthday party and that Jimmy – who organized the party – had masterminded the whole thing. Adrian then brings Aurora and her sister/bodyguard, Lita (Jemma Rivera), to Jimmy’s office, and they confront him about what he and the Wannabes tried to do to her. In the next scene, Kirsty is shown returning to Marcus’ house with Oliver, and she is greeted by Jimmy and Marcus in the living room. When they ask her where Danny is, she replies that he has walked out on the band, distressing Jimmy. Kirsty asks Marcus what is going on, and he answers that they are screwed, after which Jimmy tells Marcus to call the other band members and tell them to come here tonight. He then takes his leave, and we next see him paying a visit to Danny’s mother, Sally (Chantal Contouri), at her talent school.

Sometime later, Danny stops by the school, and he walks in on her and Jimmy having sex. Jimmy tells Danny that there is a reason why he is here, but Danny – already angry with him for destroying his childhood and having set him up and lied to him – finally loses his composure over what he has just seen and starts to choke him. However, Sally immediately puts a stop to it by revealing to Danny that Jimmy is his hitherto unknown father. Jimmy soon shows Danny a picture of himself back during his days as a famous drag entertainer that Sally has kept on the wall behind her desk, and he apologizes to Danny for not saying something earlier about being his father and for lying to him. He also explains that the reason he embarrassed him on TV all those years ago was because he found out from Sally that he was his son 30 seconds before the talent show went on the air, and this news came as such a shock to him that he didn’t know how to handle it. He then tells Danny that Sally is the only woman that he has ever loved, and he lets Danny know that he means just that when he clearly implies that he usually gets intimate with men. Sally then informs Danny that Jimmy has come to him for help, but Danny refuses to believe this, telling Sally that he is only here because he walked out on the Wannabes. Jimmy then tells him that, unless he helps him and his bandmates, they are all going to be going to jail for the rest of their lives. He then informs Danny that Adrian recently brought evidence of the band’s attempted act of thievery to Aurora, and when Danny asks him what he wants from him, Jimmy replies that Aurora has a plan to “make amends.”

Later on, Jimmy, Danny, and the other Wannabes meet with Aurora, Lita, and Adrian back at Marcus’ house, and Aurora tells them what her plan is: Since the band is going to be appearing at the OZcar Awards tomorrow night, she wants them to kidnap the American actor Bill Gennaro (Felix Williamson) – who is scheduled to attend the event – and bring him to her because she has a huge crush on him and wants to have sex with him. She also warns them that, if they don’t do as she says, then their days as the Wannabes are over. She then leaves with Adrian and Lita, but Kirsty – who had just returned with Oliver from an outing – rushes in moments later and informs the group that the villains kidnapped Oliver as they were departing (undoubtedly to ensure the Wannabes’ full cooperation). The next day, as the Wannabes, Jimmy, and Kirsty all argue about what Aurora wants them to do (and how they can get Oliver back in the process), Stewie wonders aloud how they are going to be able to pull off the kidnapping in front of an audience of a couple million people. After hearing this, Danny is hit with an idea, and he tells the others that they can use the audience, because given the fact that they are famous, they can do anything they want.

At the OZcars, Bill Gennaro presents the Wannabes with the award for Best Children’s Group, but soon after they get on stage, Marcus draws a gun on Danny, having apparently changed his mind about the original plan they had. Stewie and Hammer then grab Bill, put a leather gimp mask on his head, and prepare to take him away. The audience thinks that this is all an act and have a good laugh about it, but Danny tries to convince them that it isn’t, even outright saying that the band is kidnapping Gennaro and that a little child is being held hostage. Marcus then shoots Danny in the abdomen before he and the others leave with Gennaro. When the people in attendance realize that Danny has apparently been shot for real, the ceremony is immediately brought to an end and help is summoned for Danny, but Kirsty and Jimmy show up disguised as EMTs and take Danny away in an ambulance, proving that the shooting was just an act and that this entire incident was the band’s idea on how they could make off with Gennaro easily.

Danny, Kirsty, and Jimmy then drive over to a shipyard where the other Wannabes are waiting next to a van with Bill inside of it, and Danny goes into the van and unties Gennaro and tells him all about what Aurora wants with him. They then swap clothes with each other before Danny puts the gimp mask on, intending to be taken to Aurora in Bill’s place. When Hammer spots Aurora’s limousine approaching and notifies the others about it, Marcus tells Jimmy to hide the ambulance and has Danny get in the van. Aurora steps out of her limousine with Lita and demands for the Wannabes and Kirsty to give her Gennaro now, but Marcus orders her to hand over Oliver first, and they begin to argue over which side will be the first to give the other side what they want. However, this all turns out to be a distraction that Aurora had planned when Adrian comes out of hiding, jumps into the driver’s seat of the van, and speeds away, and Aurora and Lita then quickly follow after him. The protagonists give chase in the ambulance.

The Wannabes and company make it to Aurora’s mansion, and Marcus tells everyone that their mission is to first find Oliver and make sure he is safe and then they will worry about Danny, and he tells Jimmy to keep the motor running and look out for security. Jimmy in turn tells him to watch out for Adrian because he is a bit confused and dangerous at the moment. Adrian discovers their presence right away, and after he informs Aurora about it, she instructs him to go get them. When Marcus spots him on the second floor of the foyer with his handgun out, he orders everyone to split up. Adrian manages to capture Kirsty, and Hammer crosses paths with Lita, but their subsequent fight soon transforms into a sex session after they both mention that they are fans of Jet Li. Meanwhile, as Aurora prepares “Gennaro” for their intimate encounter, she lets him know that her interest in him is not the only reason why he is here: She wants to have his child. She then explains that, before she wed Granville, she had to sign a pre-nuptial agreement that stated that, if she ever left Granville, she would get no money at all. However, if she has a child with him and then left him, she would get $30 million. Unfortunately, all of their past attempts to conceive have failed every time because Granville’s elderliness has rendered him infertile, so she has now come up with an alternative plan to have “Gennaro” impregnate her, then claim that the child is Granville’s, leave him, and get the money, after which she can live the life of a young rich woman like she wants. Seconds later, Adrian shows up with Kirsty, but after getting a good look at “Gennaro’s” penis, he recalls the time he saw Danny’s penis and lets Aurora know that this man is actually Danny before pulling off the mask to reveal him. Kirsty uses this distraction to run away, and when Adrian prepares to shoot Danny, Aurora stops him and tells him that it would be better to kill him in the kitchen because the blood will wash off the floor more easily in there.

Adrian and Aurora take Danny downstairs to the main floor of the foyer, but they are halted by Kirsty, Stewie, and a gun-toting Marcus. Adrian forces Marcus to drop his gun and kick it over to him when he threatens to shoot Danny, and then Danny asks Adrian why he has such a big problem with him. Jimmy and Gennaro then appear, and Jimmy explains that Adrian’s problem is not with Danny or with anyone else here, but with himself; he secretly wishes to be a drag entertainer. He encourages Adrian to stop denying it and make a commitment, and Adrian eventually admits that Jimmy is right. He then thanks Danny for trying to make him come out of his shell earlier before hugging him and crying. He then flings his gun behind him, but it goes off when it hits the ground, and Danny takes the bullet in his arm. After Kirsty orders someone to call an ambulance for Danny (which Stewie leaves the foyer to go do) and Hammer and Lita rush in half-dressed to investigate the sound of the gunshot, Aurora grabs Marcus’ gun and orders Gennaro to disrobe, then demands for Lita to assist her. However, Lita refuses to help her, instead telling her that their mother was right in that she is nothing but a selfish person who only cares about herself, and she is through with her and her stupid plans. Aurora yells to everyone that she deserves to be a young, rich woman and does not want to live in this house trying to have sex with a “disgusting old prune” like Granville, but during this, Granville appears in his wheelchair with Oliver sitting on his lap and returns him to Kirsty. Aurora desperately tries to explain herself to Granville, but he tells her that he has no interest in listening to anything that she has to say and then declares that he wants a divorce. Furious that her plans have failed, Aurora angrily jabbers unintelligibly in her native language before running out the door screaming in frustration. An ambulance later comes and collects Danny.

The next scene shows that Jimmy and Sally have gotten married, and they are having their wedding reception in a posh hotel ballroom, with Danny, Kirsty, Oliver, Lita, and the rest of the Wannabes among the attendees. Adrian performs a song in drag for everyone, and Gennaro is also shown to be among the guests, but he is only here out of obligation to Danny for saving his life. However, while Danny is using the bathroom, he overhears Gennaro badmouthing him to his agent over his cell phone, and when he is making his way out the door, he passes by Aurora (now working at the hotel as a maid), who has just heard Gennaro’s voice from outside. Aurora quickly slips into the bathroom and starts having her way with Gennaro, and though Danny hears it, he decides to just let Aurora have her way with the man as retaliation over what he just said about him (though Gennaro ends up enjoying it). Danny then returns to the ballroom and has a dance with Kirsty.

Danny, Marcus, Stewie, and Hammer continue on as the Wannabes, and the movie ends with them singing a Christmas song.