Submitted by Tornado Dragon

Everything comes to a head at Robin’s play: Amidst the chaos created by the principal characters over various problems, chiefly the appearance of the Pharaoh’s Heart diamond and the efforts of Peter, Wang, Lynne, and Marla to get it from Choo Choo (Wang’s new thieving pet monkey), Captain Bunkley shows up backstage while Robin and Wang are informing Dante about how he accidentally killed Stukas during an attempt he made to sabotage the play to get back at Robin for rejecting his romantic advances. Bunkley suddenly pulls a gun on all three of them and demands to know where the Pharaoh’s Heart is, and when Peter soon shows up with the stone, having managed to get his hands on it, Bunkley orders him to hand it over.

However, Lynne and Marla appear and tackle Peter, causing Wang to drop a box full of prop diamonds for the play onto the stage floor. Peter loses his grip on the Pharaoh’s Heart in the process, and it gets mixed up with all of the fake jewels. The characters who know about the Pharaoh’s Heart then proceed to smash every diamond in sight until Peter finds the real one, after which Bunkley takes it from him. Robin goes on stage and correctly accuses Bunkley of having murdered Professor Cavendish (whom she earlier discovered had stolen the diamond and then smuggled it onto the ship), and he soon explains to everyone that he wanted the diamond in order to give it to his wife, Summer, as a present for being so faithful and devoted to him. Shortly after Rusty enlightens him to the fact that Summer is an extremely promiscuous ex-porn star, Bunkley dies when a faulty stage light in the lighting rig above him breaks loose and falls and bashes him in the head (perpetuating the curse of the Pharaoh’s Heart, which states that anyone who steals it meets a quick death). Since the audience thinks that what just occurred and all of the chaos that preceded it is all a part of the play, they give the cast a standing ovation, and the judges give the play perfect scores.

When the ship docks at the next port, Dean Dryer speaks to all of the students and expresses his deepest disappointment in all of them, particularly for the conduct some of them exhibited in their efforts to get their hands on the Pharaoh’s Heart. He also lambastes Dante for accidentally killing Stukas, and he tells Robin that she is ineligible to receive the Dobmeyer Prize that she was competing for due to the fact that a lot of what transpired on stage was not in her script. He shows off the diamond and tells the students that it will be handed over to the proper authorities, but then Choo Choo appears and breaks it, exposing it as another prop diamond to everyone’s surprise. We soon find out that Choo Choo has regained possession of the real one.

The movie centers around four major plot points:

  • A school play that Robin (China Shavers) is directing in the hope of winning the Dobmeyer Prize, and in which several of the principal characters play important roles. The creepy Dante (Nicolas Shake), who is a member of the backstage crew, has an obsessive and very one-sided crush on Robin, and when he eventually tells her how he feels about her, she rejects him. Upset, Dante decides to get revenge on her by ruining her play.
  • The Pharaoh’s Heart Diamond, which was stolen and then smuggled onto the ship by Professor Cavendish (Charles Shaughnessy) and which carries a curse that states that anyone who steals it meets a quick death. Cavendish ends up getting attacked by an unknown person and dies while attempting to escape the attacker, and the diamond gets lost.
  • Summer Solstice (Jasmin St. Claire), a former porn star who is the wife of the ship’s captain, Bunkley (Richard Riehle). Bunkley is completely unaware of her past career, as well as the fact that she cheats on him constantly.
  • A thieving monkey named Choo Choo that Wang (Paul Hansen Kim) and Peter (Patrick Cavanaugh) acquired while on a shore excursion. He is the first to find the Pharoah’s Heart after Cavendish’s demise, and he decides to store it in his satchel.

While Choo Choo is hanging around with Wang and Dante at the props table for Robin’s play and going through Dante’s bag, he removes the Pharaoh’s Heart from his satchel. Wang takes it from him, thinking that it is just another one of the identical prop diamonds being used in a scene for the play, and he puts it in a box with the rest of them.

Later, while taking a break from the play, Rusty (Oren Skoog) decides to masturbate to a porn film starring Summer Solstice. He soon realizes that Summer is Bunkley’s wife, so he heads straight to Bunkley’s stateroom with the DVD, and he confronts her with it when she opens the door. She brings him inside, and he tells her that she must have sex with him or else he will expose her former career to her husband as well as everyone else on this ship. However, Bunkley suddenly returns, forcing Rusty to find a hiding place, but while looking for one, he discovers that Cliff (James DeBello) is also in the stateroom, having been invited there by Summer for a sexual encounter. Rusty ends up hiding in the shower, and moments later, Bunkley finds Cliff and starts beating him up, thinking him to be just an intruder. This gives Summer the chance to usher Rusty out the door, and she tells him to come back at 8:40 p.m. for their sex session because her husband will be out attending Robin’s play. Though he informs her that he is acting in it, she tells him that he must come over at that time or not at all.

After the play begins, Choo Choo gets into the dressing room and spikes Foosball’s (Justin Whalin) coffee with a drug from a vial that he took out of Dante’s bag, and Foosball soon drinks it and starts acting nutty. Come time for Lynne’s (Jennifer Lyons) scene where she holds the diamond, she drops it on the ground again, but this one doesn’t break like the prop ones have in rehearsals, and Peter quickly realizes that this diamond must be the Pharaoh’s Heart. Stukas (Kip Martin) then drinks a beverage that Dante had earlier spiked with what he believed was the drug that Choo Choo ended up taking (his act of sabotage against Robin), and he falls down dead like the script called for. However, when Gerri (Marieh Delfino) checks on him as scripted, she discovers that he actually IS dead and tries to alert the other actors about it. The slight commotion that she causes with this results in Brady (Josh Miller) temporarily shutting the curtains on the play and then ordering Newmar (Tony Denman) to stall the audience. Gerri informs Brady that Stukas might actually be dead, and when Brady notices that she has booze on her breath, she tells him that Peter put alcohol in her drink before the play started in order to try to ruin her image and cost her the grant for graduate school that Peter is also vying for (and she doesn’t help her cause when she spends the rest of the play getting drunker and drunker). Meanwhile, Peter tries to take the Pharaoh’s Heart for himself, but Marla (Danielle Fishel) prevents him from doing so when she asks him to help her move Stukas’ body. However, after they get the body off the set, she tells him that she saw him going for the diamond and figured out for herself that it is the Pharaoh’s Heart and that they are the only ones who know about it. However, when they both attempt to get it, they find that Choo Choo has already regained possession of it and is now up in the lighting rig above the stage. The play then suddenly resumes, but Peter excuses himself from the play to go after Choo Choo, and he knocks out Brady by accident when he tries to stop him.

The play then steadily devolves into chaos. Peter runs up to Cliff while he is tending the bar and tells him that he needs his help to find Choo Choo, but Cliff instead decides to take over his spot in the play while he continues to look for the monkey. Peter then goes up to Wang and tells him that he thinks that someone poisoned Stukas, but he should keep his mouth shut about it, and he also tells him that the diamond that Choo Choo took was a real one, after which he asks him to catch the monkey if he sees him. Peter and Wang then try to get Dante to help them hide Stukas’ body because they think that he has passed out from drunkenness, and they don’t want to risk Dean Dryer (Larry Drake) seeing him like this, but Dante tells them that he put something in Stukas’ drink and he is not passed out from drunkenness, then walks away. Wang interprets this to mean that Dante killed Stukas, but when he tells Peter about it, Peter replies that he should just pretend that Dante didn’t say that, after which they hide Stukas’ body under the props table. Marla recruits Lynne to help search for Choo Choo so she can get the diamond before Peter can, and having overheard this, Peter tells Wang that they need to get the diamond first, so they go in different directions to find Choo Choo, with Peter following the girls. A short time later, Marla and Lynne get their hands on the Pharaoh’s Heart while Choo Choo takes off, and Lynne decides to take this opportunity to reveal her romantic attraction to Marla by kissing her, and Marla finds that she actually likes it. Peter then runs up to them and snatches the diamond from them.

Rusty ends up inside Bunkley’s stateroom with Summer, but when he returns and tries to hide again, he discovers that Summer has about a dozen naked men hidden throughout the stateroom. He and all of the guys end up fleeing toward the play and get spotted by Bunkley, who subsequently chases after them with his revolver, thinking that they are all a bunch of homosexuals trying to convert him into one of them. At the start of the play’s intermission, Robin is told by Dean Dryer that Professor Cavendish’s briefcase was found, and he has apparently jumped ship, so she leaves the still-drugged Foosball in charge of the second act before heading over to Cavendish’s cabin to investigate the matter further. She ends up finding some information about the Pharaoh’s Heart, and she realizes that Cavendish really did steal that precious stone. Dante then appears and drops hints to her that he is responsible for the state her play is in before telling her to come back and watch the rest of it, and Robin misinterprets what he just said as him confessing that he was responsible for Cavendish’s disappearance. Meanwhile, Choo Choo finds the revolver that Cavendish knocked out of his mystery attacker’s hand before he was killed, and he takes it to the backstage area and switches it out with an identical prop gun being used in the play’s second act. Just before the second act begins, Foosball decides to insert himself and a few more people into the play, and he gives Cliff the gun.

Shortly after the play resumes, Cliff deviates from the script out of frustration and fires a few bullets from the revolver, and two of them hit and loosen a faulty stage light in the lighting rig. Meanwhile, Robin approaches Wang and tells him that they must find Bunkley because Dante basically told her that he killed someone. This prompts Wang to bring up Stukas’ death to her, but she informs him that she was referring to Cavendish. Rusty and the gang of naked men then run onto the stage, and when Bunkley appears, Robin tells him that Cavendish was murdered and that the killer is in this room. Dante then appears, and when Robin – referring to her belief that he killed Cavendish – asks him why he did it, he – thinking that she is asking him why he ruined her play – replies that he did it so that she would go out with him. When she asks him why he thought that killing Cavendish would make her want to go out with him, he reacts with confusion, and she and Wang then inform him that Stukas is dead. Dante informs them that he didn’t kill him, either; all he did was put monkey bone in his drink to mess him up. Wang again lets him know that Stukas truly is dead, and when Dante wonders aloud how this could have happened, he sees Choo Choo nearby and figures out that he had something to do with it (which is correct; Choo Choo had put a vial of poison he earlier found on the bar’s floor into Dante’s bag, and the poison was used by Cavendish’s mystery assailant in a failed attempt to poison a drink that he was having and he accidentally dropped the vial onto the floor).

Suddenly, Bunkley aims his revolver at Dante and demands to know where the Pharaoh’s Heart is, confusing Robin since she never mentioned this to him, and Bunkley then turns his gun on her and Wang. When Peter appears with the diamond, he orders Peter to hand it over, but then Lynne and Marla show up and tackle Peter, causing Wang to drop the box full of prop diamonds all over the stage floor. Peter loses his grip on the Pharaoh’s Heart in the process, and it gets mixed up with all of the fake gems. The cast members who know about the diamond then start to smash every stone in sight in order to locate the real one, and when Peter finds it, Bunkley goes on stage and relieves him of it. Robin then comes on stage and correctly accuses him of being Cavendish’s murderer, then asks him if the money he will get for the diamond was worth killing someone over. However, Bunkley informs her that he intends to give this diamond to his wife as a present for – as he naively believes – being so faithful and devoted to him. When Rusty enlightens him to the fact that she is an extremely adulterous ex-porn star, Bunkley makes ready to shoot and kill him, both for being with the gang of naked men and now for trying to sow “lies” about his wife. Suddenly, the diamond’s curse claims Bunkley when the faulty stage light breaks loose and falls and fatally bashes him in the head. Since the audience thinks that this, as well as all of the chaos that preceded it, is all part of the play, they give the cast a standing ovation, and the judges give the play perfect scores.

When the ship docks at the next port, Dean Dryer speaks to all of the students and expresses his deepest disappointment in all of them. He first tells Peter and Gerri that, because he has seen nothing out of them but moral degeneracy, he will not be awarding either of them a grant for graduate school. Second, he tells Robin that, despite the fact that her play received the highest point total, she is ineligible to receive the Dobmeyer Prize because much of what transpired on stage was not in her script. Third, he tells Dante that, while he doesn’t know if he can be prosecuted for murder, he suspects that intentionally drugging and accidentally killing Stukas is still a crime. He then shows off the Pharaoh’s Heart to the students while telling them that it is beyond shameful how some of them knew that Stukas was dead but concealed that information to continue to pursue this diamond. After informing them that the Pharaoh’s Heart will be handed over to the proper authorities, Choo Choo appears and knocks the diamond onto the floor and breaks it, exposing it as another prop jewel, to everyone’s surprise.

Rusty later visits Summer ostensibly to offer his condolences on the death of her husband, but in actuality, he is there to have a good time with her. She welcomes him in, and even though there is a big line of guys ahead of him waiting to have sex with her as well, he is nonetheless very excited. Newmar also finally gets intimate with his virgin girlfriend, Violet (Vida Guerra), after a previous attempt to do so had failed miserably. Choo Choo is then shown to be in possession of the Pharaoh’s Heart once again.

01 hours 40 minutes