National Lampoon’s LOADED WEAPON 1(1993)

Submitted by Tornado Dragon

SHORT VERSION:
Wes and Jack get into a final showdown with General Mortars at the Wilderness Girls cookie factory, and they kill him and his right-hand man Mr. Jigsaw and foil his cocaine distribution operation. When Captain Doyle and a large squad of cops show up afterward, Doyle praises them both for their work and asks Wes to reconsider his decision to retire. He replies that he will remain on the force on the condition that Jack becomes his partner. They then ride off for home with Destiny, Becker, and Jack’s dog Claire while they rock out to Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” (a la Wayne’s World).

LONG VERSION:
Having developed feelings for Jack (Emilio Estevez) and having grown sick and tired of General Mortars (William Shatner), Destiny (Kathy Ireland) pays Jack a visit at his home one evening and tells him of Mortars’ plan to widely distribute cocaine through lacing it into cookies that her Wilderness Girls of America organization sells, and that he will be doing a drug deal tomorrow at midnight at the cookie factory. They then spend some intimate time together (no sex, however), but they high-tail it out of there after they spot Mortars’ goons approaching the property in their helicopters.

Jack takes Destiny home and kisses her, then warns Wes (Samuel L. Jackson) of the impending drug deal. They tell Captain Doyle (Frank McRae) about it, but he considers it to be crazy and closes the whole investigation. Wes decides to go by the book yet again and accept Doyle’s decision, but Jack refuses to give up, and tells Wes that he can’t always play by the rules to do the right thing. He then declares that he will go after Mortars alone.

That night, Jack sneaks into the cookie factory to apprehend Mortars, but he is soon caught by his right-hand man Mr. Jigsaw (Tim Curry). They engage in a brief fight that results in Jack easily overpowering him and seemingly killing him. Elsewhere, Destiny – who is already with Mortars – pulls a gun on him and curses him for making her lure Jack here since she had come to love him. Jack then appears and tells Mortars to surrender, but Mortars reveals that he has his long-lost dog Claire and the informant Becker (Jon Lovitz) held captive. Jack takes out the microfilm containing the formula and attempts to use it as a bargaining chip to save them, but Jigsaw suddenly appears and takes it from him at gunpoint. Mortars then makes Jack drop his gun, but he gets shot by Destiny soon after, and the confusion enables Jack to get the better of Jigsaw and knock him out. As Jack fights off some of Mortars’ henchmen, Mortars gets the microfilm out of Jigsaw’s hand and then fires his gun at Jack, but Destiny shields Jack and takes the bullets instead. As Mortars runs away, Jack kisses Destiny, and she tells him to get Mortars for her.

Jack gets caught by Mortars, but thankfully, Wes suddenly appears and shoots and kills him. Jigsaw then shows up yet again and gets into a shootout with Jack and Wes, during which a big gas tank is punctured by one of the bullets and starts leaking gasoline, and the heroes (finally) kill him, too. Jack lights a cigarette in victory, but as they start to leave the factory, he decides he doesn’t want to smoke anymore and tosses it away. It lands on the spilled gasoline, which catches fire and causes the gas tank to explode and damage the factory.

Outside, they meet up with an arriving Captain Doyle and a large squad of cops. Doyle praises them for their work, and he asks Wes to reconsider his decision to retire. Wes decides to stay on the force, but only after Doyle agrees to make Jack his partner. They then enter a car to head on back home with, and they find the still-living Destiny waiting for them inside, along with Claire and Becker. As they drive away, they rock out to Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” (a la Wayne’s World).