Submitted by Lawrence

Near-mythical Mexican Federale “Machete” (Danny Trejo) evades many attempts on his life. Machete is wounded and left for dead after his wife is de-headed in front of him by drug lord Torres (Steven Seagal).

Afew years later Machete turns up as an illegal in Texas. He interacts with Luz (Michelle Rodriguez) a food cart owner who runs ‘the network’ for illegals. Immigration officer Sartana (Jessica Alba) is monitoring Luz.

Machete is hired to assassinate the candidate (Robert Deniro) by the candidate’s assistant (Jeff Fahey) for $150,000. Machete leaves this money with Luz. The shooting is in fact a setup, is botched and Machete is wounded badly. The candidate’s poll numbers were down – the shooting made them go up.

Everybody now wants Machete dead.

Lots of people are hacked up, and shot up. Machete does a great Die Hard move with a bad guy’s intestinal tract – going out the window with it – to smash in John Shaft style one floor below. Hiding out Machete spends time with both Luz and Sartana.

Key players and outcomes :

April (Lindsay Lohan) is the Candidate Assistant’s drugged up slut daughter. Somewhere along the line – Machete gets April (and her mother June) naked in a pool, and then roofied out on spiked Tequila. They end up with the priest. They wake up naked. April finds a Nun’s Habit and proceeds to find her father’s killer – so she ends up at the melee in the end – dressed as a nun, spraying a lot of machine gun fire around – she lives.

Machete gets legal papers from Sartana but doesn’t want them and drives off into the night with Sartana straddling him on his motorcycle.

Credits roll with a voice over

“Machete will return in”
Machete Kills and Machete Kills Again

FYI all the pieces from the Machete Grindhouse faux trailer (concept) are in the movie.