Private Valentine: Blonde & Dangerous(2008)

Submitted by Tornado Dragon

As Megan (Jessica Simpson) learns about the reasons why four of her fellow privates – Hamamori (Keiko Agena), Johnson (Jill Marie Jones), Castillo (Aimee Garcia), and Petrovich (Olesya Rulin) – joined the Army, she changes her attitude about her situation, and she not only improves as a soldier but also befriends those same four privates. She also develops a mutual attraction to Sgt. Evans (Ryan Sypek), one of her drill sergeants.

However, just as the final week of Basic Training begins, an upset Hamamori approaches Megan, Johnson, Castillo, and Petrovich in their barracks and shows them a tabloid she got a hold of that states that Megan is just in the Army to do research for an upcoming film role, and then she reads aloud some disparaging remarks that Megan made about the other privates in Capt. Greer’s (Gary Grubbs) office earlier in the film when her agent, Sidney (Steve Guttenberg), and her attorney, Morris (Marco St. John), were trying to get her released (which the tabloid got a hold of thanks to 1st Sgt. Morley [Vivica A. Fox] giving this information to Joe Kidd [Andy Milonakis], a paparazzo who has long been a thorn in Megan’s side, since she had witnessed Megan saying those things). As Megan gets chided by the others and called a liar and a fake, Morley appears and orders Megan to report to Greer’s office on the double. However, just before she reaches it, she gets surprised by Sidney, who informs her that he and her staff managed to secure her release from the Army after they uncovered discrepancies in her contract; the recruiting officer who signed her up had neglected to give her a physical and an aptitude test. He also informs her that Barry (Kurt Fuller) – her cousin and accountant who stole all of her money and fled the country – has been apprehended in Amsterdam, and he has already given up information on two offshore accounts, so it looks like she is going to get her money back and will thus get to keep her house. He later tells her that he was the one who spun the story to the press about how she was only in the Army to do research for a role. Meanwhile, Hamamori, Johnson, Castillo, and Petrovich are led to believe by Morley that Megan has taken a voluntary discharge from the Army.

The next morning, it is shown that Megan’s time in the Army has had an effect on her when she wakes up early, makes her own bed, and goes jogging before breakfast. Later on, when she meets with all the members of her staff in her living room, she makes even more changes to her life: She starts out by firing her makeup artist, Amber (Katie Chonacas), due to having earlier found out that she has been sucking up to her since day one and isn’t a real friend. She then fires her manager, Nigel (Michael Hitchcock), for orchestrating her relationship with Derek (Bryce Johnson) (whom she found out was actually gay and was only dating her to try to further his own film career) and then sleeping with Derek himself. Next, she tells Morris to hire her a new accountant and states that she will be keeping a close eye on her finances from this day forth, and she tells Sidney that, from now on, SHE will decide what film roles she will take, what interviews she will do, what her image will be, and whom she will date. After ensuring that everyone has fully understood her decisions, she finishes by telling them all that she will see them next week because she has to finish what she started. She then picks up a duffel bag full of her belongings and departs.

Megan returns to Fort Jackson and joins the privates as they are about to begin their final field training exercise, which will see the privates get divided into squads of five and then venture out into the woods and find a dummy representing a wounded soldier. They will then have to bring the dummy back to Fort Jackson and into the Emergency Field Hospital, located in the Urban Warfare Center, and if any of the teams fail to complete this exercise within 24 hours, they will have to do it all over again. The privates are also warned that an aggressor team will be out there to try to stop the squads, but should a squad manage to capture an aggressor and bring them to the finish line (which has never been done before), they will get an hour deducted from their completion time. Morley assigns Megan to be the leader of one of the squads, and Hamamori, Johnson, Castillo, and Petrovich – much to their displeasure – are selected to join her, though Evans is pleased about this because he will be serving as their land grader (which means that he will be coming along with the squad strictly as an observer and a safety net every step of the way, but he cannot help them). Come the start of the exercise, Megan’s teammates make it clear to her that they are still upset with her, and Megan tells them that she is their team leader whether they like it or not, and right now, she has something to say to them. She tells them that she did screw up, but they have to give her another chance because she wants to see them accomplish the goals that they had set for themselves that prompted them to enlist in the Army in the first place. Despite initially not getting along and making a few mistakes, Megan and the others eventually pull together and function as a cohesive unit right into the following morning.

Megan and company make it to the Urban Warfare Center with their dummy, and they make their way up into the rafters of the hospital so they can avoid being spotted by the aggressors and reach the finish line. However, just as they begin their final approach, they see that Megan’s other nemesis, Jeter (Cheri Oteri), and her squad have just crossed the finish line ahead of them and all the other squads. Remembering the rule about how each squad can get an hour deducted from their completion time if they capture an aggressor, Megan successfully ambushes and captures two of them guarding a nearby entrance, and she and her unit get to the finish line with them. After Megan informs Morley that, with the capture of these two soldiers, her team has beaten the completion time of Jeter’s team by an hour-and-a-half, Morley is left with no choice but to award Megan’s team the victory and an overnight pass as a reward. Greer then meets with Megan and all of the other privates and personally awards each of them a gold coin for passing Basic Training.

As Megan and her friends head to their graduation ceremony, Megan reveals to the others that, in order to complete Basic Training, she had to broker a deal with Greer where, in exchange for him letting her finish it, she would have to go be with the United Service Organizations for a year. After the ceremony concludes, Megan is greeted by her older sister, Jinny (Lara Grice), and her family, having invited them here to see her graduate, and we learn that communications have improved between them. Jeter then approaches Megan and shows her some respect, and she also shows her a nearby officer that has become a potential romantic interest, her first since her ugly divorce from her husband. Shortly afterwards, Megan meets up with Evans, and he compliments her on coming back to finish Basic Training before informing her that he is being shipped off to Iraq next week. Before she gets on a helicopter to start her tenure with the U.S.O., she passionately kisses him, and then she gives him her coin and tells him that she expects it back.