Zonad(2009)

Submitted by Tornado Dragon

SHORT VERSION:
While Liam/“Zonad” and Francis/“Bonad” are having a climactic boxing match in Ballymoran’s town square to determine who stays and who goes, the unnamed rehab center counselor – having finally managed to track them down after reading about their impending fight in a local newspaper – appears and orders both men to stop what they are doing. Having decided to play along with Liam and Francis’ alien masquerade rather than expose their true selves and subject them to the wrath of the townspeople for their deception, the counselor introduces himself to everyone as “Dr. Glonad,” supreme commander of their alien species and intergalactic overlord. He then admonishes “Zonad” and “Bonad” for engaging in fisticuffs when they are high-ranking officers in his fleet squadron, and he tells the townsfolk that they will be returning with him to a secure facility on their planet for behavioral realignment. He then orders all of the townsfolk to go to the local pub so he can have some “private consultation time” with his subordinates.

Once the townspeople are out of earshot, the counselor tells Liam and Francis that he is taking them back to the rehab center. However, Liam asks him if he and Francis can go to the pub and say goodbye to everyone before they go, so the counselor decides to give them one hour to do that. They are greeted by Jenny outside the pub, and she tells them that she loves them both, but Liam and a reluctant Francis help her to understand that she truly belongs with her boyfriend, Guy. After kissing them both, she goes up to Guy, who is sitting nearby, and after he tells her that he is more than ready to engage in any and all kinds of sexual activity with her (he had previously been very reluctant to get intimate with her for no reason other than sheer nervousness), she embraces him.

Liam and Francis go into the pub, and while Francis gets started on his last drinking binge, Liam sings a song to the townspeople where he apologizes both for leaving them and for any wrongs that he has done by them during his stay, but he also thanks them for their hospitality and promises to remember them.

LONG VERSION:
Liam (Simon Delaney) (a.k.a. the alien “Zonad,” as the gullible people of Ballymoran know him thanks to his odd-looking costume making him appear alien-like) enjoys all the free alcohol, loose women, and other assorted privileges that he receives from the townspeople – especially the Cassidy family – until, one day, he goes over to Fitzgerald’s Pub for another drinking binge and is told by the owner, Declan (Frank O’Sullivan), that there is someone at the other end of the pub who wishes to speak to him. He heads over there and discovers that that person is Francis (David Pearse), his fellow rehab center escapee who injured his ankle while they were fleeing through the woods and wound up getting abandoned by Liam. Francis more or less tells him that his celebrity status as “Zonad” was what enabled him to find him, and though Francis is trying to keep his emotions in check, it is pretty clear that he is more than a little angry with Liam for ditching him. In both a desperate attempt to make things up to Francis and out of fear that Francis might reveal who he really is to the townspeople and cause him to be subjected to their wrath, Liam gives him €90 to both buy some new clothes with at a local charity shop and get a train ride back to Dublin, plus he has Declan give him a bottle of whiskey on his tab. However, while Francis is in the charity shop getting his new clothes, he spots a woman’s outfit on display and gets an idea. He uses his cash to purchase the outfit instead, then modifies it to look more masculine and puts it on, having decided to take on the identity of another member of “Zonad’s” species and use it against Liam and take away his popularity.

Just after Jenny Cassidy (Janice Byrne) catches “Zonad” having sex with her mother, Mary (Donna Dent), and runs off in sadness (since she is attracted to “Zonad” and they had sex themselves some nights ago), her brother, Jimmy (Kevin Maher), runs into the house and tells “Zonad” that there is a commotion in the main square and he must come see. When Liam arrives, he discovers that the villagers have all crowded around Francis, who is clad in his new outfit, and he shouts out to everyone that he is Zonad’s commander, “Bonad.” He then explains that he has come to relieve his reconnaissance scout, Zonad, who was sent to Earth to check the suitability of its atmosphere ahead of his arrival, and he declares that Zonad’s work here is done and that he is taking over.

Francis is immediately welcomed with open arms, and Liam is immediately shunned, losing not only all of his preferential treatment to Francis but also his lodgings at the Cassidys’ house and Jenny’s affections. Guy’s (Rory Keenan) butler, Benson (David Murray), reports the news of “Bonad’s” arrival and “Zonad’s” fall from grace to Guy and Dr. Ziegler (Brian de Salvo), who have been living in an encampment in the woods outside of town ever since Liam manipulated the local police officer, Sgt. Maloney (Don Wycherley), into exiling them when they began to pose a threat to his charade. When Benson mentions that “Bonad” has been sleeping with Jenny, Guy becomes enraged and runs back to Ballymoran to kill “Bonad,” with Benson and Ziegler following right behind him. Around the same time, Liam challenges Francis to a fight and loses, which results in him getting banished from Ballymoran himself, and Sgt. Maloney ties him to a tree right outside the village limits and urinates on him before leaving him there. Guy, Dr. Ziegler, and Benson come across him a short time later, and when Liam asks them where they are going, Guy replies that they are heading back into Ballymoran to make the people come to their senses. However, Liam tells them that that won’t be possible because “Bonad” has become too popular now. Guy then mocks “Zonad” for how embarrassing he looks, and “Zonad” replies that Earth’s alcohol is to blame for it; he became “contaminated” by it in an attempt to rehydrate himself. Benson then suggests that they all join forces to bring down “Bonad,” and off-screen, Liam agrees to align with them and returns with them to their encampment.

That night, Liam joins Guy while he is sitting in front of the campfire with a sad look on his face, and Guy tells him that he feels like he threw Jenny into “Bonad’s” arms. He then confesses that he has always wanted to sleep with Jenny, but he has been very reluctant to do so because he has never been with a woman that way before and he is very nervous about it. He also tells Zonad that he loves Jenny very much, but now he feels like he has lost her to “Bonad,” and he thinks that he will never get her back because, now that she has been with a superior guy like “Bonad”, she will never see him as anything other than an inferior being. After Liam remembers what his rehab center counselor told him about how he needs to think about the lives he has ruined through his alcoholism and how he needs to take responsibility for himself and say that he is sorry, he tells Guy that, if anyone is to blame here, it is HIM, because if he hadn’t stumbled onto this planet, “Bonad” would not have followed him. He then tells Guy that he hasn’t lost Jenny, but just mislaid her, and he promises to get her back for him if it is the last thing he ever does on Earth. Over the next few days, Dr. Ziegler – with the help of Guy and Benson – subjects Liam to a painful regimen to rid him of his alcohol dependency, and while he sobers up, Francis just keeps getting drunker and drunker.

After “Zonad” is dry, Guy asks him how they can overcome “Bonad”, thinking that he must have a weakness that they can exploit, but “Zonad” replies that he has no idea. After Benson brings up that he has seen “Bonad” leaving the rooms of many young women in the town, the group decides that they must expose “Bonad” for the philanderer he is in order to strip him of the town’s respect and Jenny’s attention. In the end, the men come up with a plan to have Guy disguise himself as a woman, then go into Ballymoran and lure “Bonad” into a motel room for a sexual encounter, and they will record the encounter on a hidden video camera that they will install in the room beforehand. The four men accomplish their objective, and the following day, they put up flyers around town advertising that there will be a meeting in the town hall this evening regarding “Bonad.” All of the villagers attend it, and after the four men show everyone the filmed sexual escapade between “Bonad” and Guy, “Zonad” informs them that “Bonad” is trying to breed with humans to create a race of “atomic superhumans” that will rise up and enslave them before eventually enslaving the entire world, and they must act against him now. The villagers decide to support the quartet and force “Bonad” to get out of town, but when “Bonad” refuses to back down from them, he and “Zonad” decide to have a 12-round boxing match on the village green to settle the matter. The fight makes the front page of the local newspaper, and Liam and Francis’ unnamed rehab counselor (Denis Conway) – who has been searching for them ever since they fled the center – sees the paper while getting gas at a gas station not far from Ballymoran and immediately heads over there.

Liam proves to be the better fighter in the first round (which is helped by the fact that Francis is fighting tipsy), so after the round concludes, Francis has Jimmy steal Liam’s water bottle for him, then spikes it with gin and has Jimmy put it back where he found it. Liam quickly gets drunk, and as a result of this, he gets subjected to a beating from Francis that lasts all the way to the end of the 13th round (apparently, they both decided to keep going past the 12th round because they both wanted a knockout victory). While the 14th round is in progress, Ziegler sniffs Liam’s water bottle and smells the gin, and realizing that “Bonad” is responsible for this, he summons Jimmy over to him and tells him to go to his laboratory and bring back a bottle marked “Charlie” from the cupboard above his bed, which contains some uncut powder from a plant that he has been using for his experiments. Jimmy brings the powder to Ziegler, and before the 15th round starts, Ziegler takes out Liam’s mouth guard, dips it in the powder, and puts it back in his mouth. We then find out that the powder is actually cocaine when Francis instantly sobers up and gains lightning-fast reflexes and speed, both of which enable him to start pummeling Francis. However, before he can whack him with his corner chair, the rehab counselor appears and yells out for him and Francis to stop.

Having decided to play along with Liam and Francis’ charade instead of expose them, the counselor introduces himself to everyone as “Dr. Glonad,” supreme commander of their “alien species” and intergalactic overlord. He first admonishes “Zonad” and “Bonad” for engaging in fisticuffs when they are high-ranking officers in his fleet squadron, then tells the townsfolk that they will be returning with him to a secure facility on their planet for behavioral realignment. He then orders the townsfolk to go to Fitzgerald’s so he can have some “private consultation time” with his subordinates. Once they leave, the counselor tells Liam and Francis that he is taking them back to the rehab center, but just as he is about to leave to get his car, Liam asks him if he and Francis can take some time to go the pub and say goodbye to everyone before they go. The counselor decides to allow it, but informs him and Francis that they are to meet him outside the pub in one hour.

When Liam and Francis reach the front door of the pub, they find Jenny sitting outside. She tells them that she loves them both, but “Zonad” – with “Bonad” reluctantly agreeing – convinces her that she truly belongs with Guy, who is sitting nearby. She kisses them both and then walks over to Guy, and after he tells her that he is more than ready to have any and all forms of sexual activity with her, she embraces him. Liam and Francis go into the pub, and while Francis gets his last drinking binge underway, Liam bids the people farewell, explaining that his and “Bonad’s” mothership is taking them back to their home world soon, although he might return one day. He then asks the people if they would like him to thrill them once more, and after they all say “yes,” Liam decides to perform a song for everybody, with Guy, Ziegler, Benson, and the whole Cassidy family making up the band. Through the song, he tells everyone that he is sorry, both for leaving them and for any wrongs that he has done by them during his stay, but he also thanks them for their hospitality and promises to remember them.