National Lampoon’s CATTLE CALL(2006)

Submitted by Tornado Dragon

SHORT VERSION:
One day, Ritchie tells Marina the truth about how the casting agency and the movie are just a ruse designed to help him, Glenn, and Sherman meet women, and she curses him for his deceit and leaves him. That same day, she and Laurel get a call from Nikita to come meet her, and she reveals to them that she is a private investigator who is investigating Ritchie, Glenn, and Sherman because some of the women who auditioned for them had posted complaints on the Internet stating that their whole cattle call was bogus. After showing the ladies evidence of the guys’ wrongdoings, she tells them that she is going to take them down, and though both Marina and Laurel agree to help her achieve this, Marina is the least eager. The ladies ultimately take the guys to a motel, claiming that they want to videotape themselves having real sex with them there as practice for the sex scenes they will be having with each other in the film (Marina managed to secure Ritchie’s cooperation by both promising to keep what he told her a secret and encouraging him to actually get the film made), and they put themselves and the guys in separate rooms and tell the guys to wait in their room until they come get them. However, none of the guys are aware that Nikita had earlier put a hidden camera in their room so she and the other gals can watch them from their room. Already less than excited about doing this sex session, Ritchie quickly loses interest and leaves, which Marina sees over the camera. Shortly after, Nikita sends in two muscular females carrying whips and sex toys, and they dominate Sherman and terrify Glenn until Nikita sends in some cops to arrest the guys for fraud.

Glenn and Sherman are brought to court and told that they face 10 to 15 years in prison and a $250,000 fine. Ritchie tells their attorney to ask the judge for a 24-hour stay so they can provide evidence that they had every intention of making a movie. The attorney makes the request, and the judge grants it, but he tells them that the evidence must be ready to present by tomorrow morning. Ritchie ends up editing together the audition tapes and additional footage that he and his pals shot into something resembling a reality show, and after he shows the finished product to the judge the next day, he tells Marina, Laurel, and Nikita that he and his friends are very sorry for not being able to tell them that they were really shooting a reality show and that the casting agency was fake. The judge declares Glenn and Sherman not guilty.

Marina forgives Ritchie and goes steady with him, and Glenn continues to date Laurel and directs a legitimate film with her as its star. Nikita is shown doing auditions with guys for a show she is producing called Fresh Meat, having decided to stoop to the guys’ level to find a man. Sherman tells Ritchie that he has been diagnosed as a sex addict, but Ritchie doesn’t believe him and jokes that the next thing he is going to tell him is that he is starting a therapy group so he can hook up with female sex addicts. After a pause, Sherman says, “That’s a great idea.”

LONG VERSION:
Ritchie (Thomas Ian Nicholas), Glenn (Diedrich Bader), and Sherman (Andrew Katos) end up narrowing the list of actresses for their nonexistent movie down to Marina (Jenny Mollen), Laurel (Nicole Eggert), and Nikita (Chelsea Handler), since Ritchie and Marina are developing a mutual attraction, Glenn has developed a strong connection with Laurel (she was initially put off by his eccentric and creepy behavior, but changed her mind about him after he sang a weird song to her that she loved), and Sherman has gotten into a sexual relationship with Nikita.

One night, Marina stays over at Ritchie’s house when he stops her car (which she has been living in) from getting towed, and they wind up sharing a kiss. While she sleeps in her car in the driveway, Ritchie gives Sherman a call, and he tells him that he wants to tell Marina the truth about how their movie and the casting agency is all a scam. However, he is worried that she will freak out and tell Laurel and Nikita about it and very likely ruin what he and Glenn have going on with them. The next morning, Ritchie goes out to Marina’s car to both serve her breakfast and confess his misdeeds, but he finds her in there with her on-again, off-again boyfriend Lenny (Jack Maxwell), who flew out to be with her.

Later on, while Glenn and Sherman are hanging out in the office that they and Ritchie have been using as their casting agency, Ritchie comes in and starts putting all of the headshots and contact information of the women who auditioned for them into a box, and he tells the guys that he is backing out of this scheme. When Sherman objects to this decision, Ritchie chastises him for thinking with his penis too much, but Sherman writes this off by telling him that he is all wound up right now because of Lenny. Ritchie replies that Lenny is not the issue, but he does serve as a reminder that the ladies are only hanging out with them because they think that they are making a movie. He tells Sherman that the sex-fest is over, then asks him how they are going to get out of this mess because he has a feeling that God is going to punish them for it when they least expect it. He then declares that he is going to tell Marina the truth and advises Glenn and Sherman to do the same with Laurel and Nikita.

Meanwhile, Marina and Lenny get into another one of their arguments about how he never really listens to her, and he tells her that he is staying at a nice hotel and strongly suggests that she come stay with him there instead of sleeping in her car. She ultimately decides to take him up on his suggestion, and she goes into Ritchie’s house to both collect her dog and leave a note containing the hotel’s address next to his computer. When she goes on the Internet to do some unknown task, she sees the Perfect for Me dating website (which inspired the fake movie) pop up as the starting page, and when Ritchie shows up moments later, she asks him what the site is and if it is part of the audition process. He admits to her that both the casting agency and the movie were all just a ruse designed to help him, Glenn, and Sherman meet women, and she rightfully curses him for his deceit and immediately leaves.

Later on, Marina and Laurel receive separate phone calls from Nikita asking them to meet her in the guys’ currently-unoccupied office. After the two ladies get there, Nikita proceeds to reveal to them that she is not actually an actress, but a private investigator, and she is investigating Ritchie, Glenn, and Sherman because some of the girls that auditioned for them had posted complaints on the Internet stating that their whole cattle call was bogus. She then shows them some evidence that proves that the guys are guilty of wrongdoing, in addition to reading out one of the complaints (written by the actress Reseda [Lisa Arturo] about Sherman). Nikita tells them that she is going to bring these guys down, and though both Marina and Laurel agree to help her achieve this, Marina is clearly the least eager to do so.

Sherman calls Ritchie and informs him that the ladies just called him and told him that they want to rehearse, and he really thinks that they should do it. Ritchie is less than enthused about it, but then he gets a call from Marina on the other line, who tells him that she is willing to keep what he told her a secret and that he should actually get the film made. The next day, the guys meet the ladies in their office and do some rehearsing (using an English language version of a script from an old foreign film), and the ladies soon tell them that they think that the movie needs some more sexual stuff to help sell it. They then suggest to the guys that they practice the sex scenes they will be performing with each other (since there are no men in the movie) on them first, but do it for real, and videotape it all so they can watch it back to make sure their performances will be top-notch. All of the guys agree with this suggestion, though Ritchie is not as excited about doing it as the others are.

They all go to a motel the next day to do the taped sex session, and Nikita gets the girls and guys into separate rooms and tells the guys not to exit their room until they come to get them. Before they go into their rooms, Ritchie asks Marina if this is what she really wants, but she doesn’t really give him an answer. The guys hang out in their room, unaware that Nikita had earlier installed a hidden camera in there, with her and the other ladies watching the feed from their room, and Nikita soon phones Sherman and tells him that they are all coming in very soon. Glenn and Sherman quickly disrobe, but the now-disinterested Ritchie tells his friends that they can count him out, and he departs. Having seen this over the camera, Marina asks Nikita which guy was the subject of the complaint that she read out to her and Laurel, and she replies that it was Sherman. Nikita then sends in two muscular females carrying whips and sex toys, and they proceed to dominate Sherman while a horrified Glenn stands in a corner. Soon after, police officers participating in the Real Cops reality show are sent in by Nikita to arrest the guys for fraud.

After spending the night in jail, Glenn and Sherman are taken to court, and the judge tells them that they are both facing a maximum sentence of 10 to 15 years in prison as well as a $250,000 fine. Thinking quickly, Ritchie (who, for some reason, was never charged along with the others) whispers to his friends’ attorney to ask the judge for a 24-hour stay so his friends can provide evidence that they had every intention of making a movie. The attorney makes this request, and the judge grants it, but states that the evidence must be ready when court reconvenes tomorrow at 9:00 a.m. Ritchie tries to apologize to his friends as they are being taken back to their cell, telling them that they are in this predicament because he came clean to Marina, but they don’t acknowledge him.

Ritchie spends most of the night wondering how he can exculpate his friends (as well as himself), but after he watches his friends getting arrested on the newest episode of Real Cops, an idea pops into his head. He spends all night editing together all of the audition tapes and additional footage that he and his pals shot into something resembling a reality show and then puts it onto a videotape, and he enters the courtroom with the tape and a TV set just after the judge has issued a guilty verdict, but the judge decides to withdraw his ruling for the time being in order to let Ritchie present his footage. After the tape finishes playing, Ritchie tells the judge that he and his friends want to apologize to Marina, Laurel, and Nikita for not being able to let them in on the fact that they were really shooting a reality show and that the casting agency was fake. The judge declares Glenn and Sherman not guilty.

The next day, Ritchie goes to the hotel where Marina is staying and finds her presumably loading her luggage into a waiting cab. He tells her that he is truly sorry for everything, and adds that he misses her and knows that she is the one that he has been looking for. Lenny then comes out and takes a few verbal jabs at Ritchie before getting into the cab, but surprisingly, he leaves without Marina. She tells Ritchie that she is staying in Los Angeles and that she doesn’t need a man in her life in order to follow her dreams, which Ritchie takes to meaning that she has decided to rid herself of both him and Lenny. As he starts to walk away, Marina teases him for giving up so easily and essentially tells him that she wants to be with him, and they kiss.

Nikita is shown in the guys’ office doing auditions with guys for a show that she is producing called Fresh Meat, having decided to stoop to the guys’ level to find a man. Glenn and Laurel stay together, and Glenn is last shown working as a director on a legitimate film with a Spanish-speaking crew (despite not being fluent in Spanish himself) with Laurel as the film’s star. Sherman has a chat with Ritchie and reveals to him that he has been diagnosed as a sex addict, but Ritchie doesn’t believe him and jokes that the next thing he is going to tell him is that he is starting a sex addiction therapy group so he can try to hook up with female sex addicts. After a pause, Sherman says, “That’s a great idea.”