Miss March(2009)

Eugene (Zach Cregger) and Tucker (Trevor Moore) hook up with Horsed*ck.MPEG (Craig Robinson) when they get to Chicago, hoping to use his rap star status to get into the Playboy Mansion and find Cindi (Raquel Alessi) during the magazine’s anniversary party, and he agrees to take them there. While riding with him and his entourage on his bus, Tucker goes into the back bedroom with Crystal (Tanjareen Thomas), one of MPEG’s groupies, to have sex with her, and Eugene and MPEG smoke a joint and talk. However, Tucker doesn’t get anywhere with Crystal after the bus hits a big pothole and sends her bouncing off the bed and out a nearby window, and MPEG tells Eugene that he has slept with all of the Playboy Playmates, including Cindi. Angered, Eugene hits him, but his attack has no effect due to his atrophied muscles, and he then defecates from overexertion. MPEG responds by tossing him and Tucker out of the bus. Some time later, the boys get a lucky break when two Russian lesbians pull over and ask them to drive them to Los Angeles so they can make love in the back seat, and they oblige them.

They make it outside the mansion as the party is in progress, but when the guys try to use the Russians to gain admittance, security halts them and only lets the girls pass. As they wonder what to do next, Candace’s (Molly Stanton) brother Rick (Geoff Meed) and his fellow firefighters suddenly appear, forcing the guys to hide as they storm into the mansion to look for Tucker. Eugene and Tucker then manage to get inside by posing as firemen themselves after finding some spare suits, and Candace arrives minutes later. After shedding the uniforms, Eugene takes off to find Cindi, and Tucker decides to go and mingle with the Playmates, but promises Eugene that he will keep an eye out for Cindi. When Eugene eventually asks a security guard where Cindi is, he gets mistaken for a stalker and seized, but he spots Cindi as the guard drags him off to the holding room and gets her attention. Moments later, Tucker is confronted by Candace, forcing him to run away while she, Rick, and the firemen chase after him.

A short time after Eugene is seated in the holding room, Cindi comes in. She is excited to see him, but he quickly gets hostile with her, demanding to know where she has been these past four years before accusing her of abandoning him and being sexually promiscuous the whole time while also showing disgust over her posing in Playboy. Cindi explains that everything she has been doing for the last four years was for him; after he became comatose, his neglectful father thought he would never wake up and wanted to permanently move him into a low-grade hospice, so she pursued a career in modeling and did the Playboy pictorial in order to get the money needed to have him moved to a good treatment center and pay his medical bills. She asks if Tucker ever told him about any of this, and he bitterly replies that he never did.

Meanwhile, Tucker loses his pursuers by hiding in a room in the east wing, but discovers that Hugh Hefner (himself) is relaxing in it. After getting over the shock of meeting his idol, he tells Hugh that he applies his methods of living to his own life, but soon admits that things haven’t been going well for him, for he is at the Playboy Mansion and has been striking out non-stop. He and Hugh have a chat, during which Tucker tells him about his relationship with Candace and how he doesn’t want to settle down with her because he wants to have a healthy quota of sexual experiences behind him first. Hugh enlightens him by saying that it is the quality, not the quantity, of the relationships that count, and he shows him a picture of Gertrude, a hideous woman he went out with in high school whom he considers the love of his life, even though she died at age 18. He explains that, when you find someone special, you have to hold on to them, and he would trade in all of his good fortune with women for one more afternoon with Gertrude. Tucker now understands that Candace is his Gertrude, but then he spoils the moment when he admits to Hugh that he stabbed her in the face several times (when she had an epileptic seizure while performing fellatio on him after he turned on strobe lights above his head) and is being chased by firemen. Hefner calls for security to come get him, and he also orders for all stalkers to be booted out of the mansion, so Eugene is forced to leave as well. As the guards are throwing out the guys, Eugene lambastes Tucker for not knowing that Cindi has been paying for his medical care all this time, prompting Tucker to think back and realize that he had been told about this many times; he just never realized it until now because of his absent-mindedness. The commotion over their ejection gets the attention of MPEG, who follows after them.

Once the guys are outside, Candace, Rick, and the firefighters appear, and the firefighters grab and hold down Tucker so Rick can decapitate him with an axe. MPEG then grabs hold of Eugene, intending to give him a beatdown. Just as Rick has his axe held high, Tucker stops him and tells Candace that, though she has every right to do this to him, he is truly sorry. He explains that, after talking with Hugh Hefner, he understands now that she is “the one”; they like all of the same stuff, they each overlooked the other’s faults, and he has realized that having an impressive sexual history before settling down with a gal like her is not important when you find someone you truly love. Moved, Candace returns his love, and he gets up and kisses her.

Eugene decides that he needs to talk to Cindi, but MPEG just tells him to write the message on his penis and he will make sure she gets it. Eugene responds that he doesn’t care that he had sex with Cindi because he had a relationship with her, and MPEG wouldn’t know what to do with a total package like her. Cindi then appears and backs Eugene’s last sentence exactly, and announces to everyone that MPEG has no penis and urinates through a tube tapped into his bladder. MPEG tries to dismiss this, but his curious entourage – after thinking back and realizing that they have never seen him make it with a woman – restrain him and yank down his pants, and sure enough, he has two tubes sticking out of where his penis ought to be. He runs away embarrassed while the paparazzi chase after him. Eugene apologizes to Cindi for his icy words towards her and expresses a desire to start things over, and she kisses him in response. He then asks why she never called the hospital when he woke up, and she replies that she calls there every Monday, and he informs her that he woke up on a Wednesday, but just took off on Tucker’s urging. Eugene then follows her back inside, and after Hugh Hefner sees Tucker and Candace on a surveillance camera being all lovey-dovey, he tells security to let them back in.

Tucker later tells Eugene that he and Candace are going to try to have a baby, and he plans to ask Hugh Hefner for an internship in Playboy’s photo department. Eugene tells him that he feels really good about things between him and Cindi, and mentions that she is waiting for him upstairs right now. He and Tucker then have a few shots of liquor before he announces that he is going to have sex with Cindi, mirroring the last time he was going to have sex with her but got into the accident that put him in his coma. This time, Eugene and Cindi do finally copulate, but he once again overexerts himself and poops the bed.

While the credits roll, the movie takes us back to the hospital where the doctor who cared for Eugene is showing some medical students that he has found a new way of awakening coma patients by hitting them with a baseball bat, having been inspired by Tucker using the same method to wake up Eugene. After striking an unseen patient twice with the bat, the patient suddenly awakens before his third strike can connect, and we discover that the patient is Crystal. She then venomously declares that Tucker is a dead man.