305(2008)

SHORT VERSION:
Through a distraction provided by Darryl, Demetrius, and Shazaam, Testicleese and Aurillia infiltrate the Persian military outpost and rescue Claudius in the dungeon, and Aurillia decides to stay in the dungeon and free the other Spartans there while Testicleese and Claudius head out to fight the Persians. After the two men reunite with their comrades, Claudius convinces them all to take on the Persians together, both to make up for leaving the goat path unguarded two years ago and so they can achieve their dream of being legitimate Spartan warriors.

The five Spartans confront the Persian Commander and his soldiers while they are having a meeting, during which the Commander announces that they will be attacking Sparta tonight. The Commander orders Claudius one last time to give him the key to Sparta in exchange for his friends being let go and him being given a quick death, and after quietly discussing it with his friends, Claudius agrees to. However, the Commander finds out that the key to Sparta is not an actual key, but an acronym (Kindness, Earnestness, Y not?), and infuriated about this, he orders his men to kill the Spartans. However, the quintet are able to effectively fight them, and Testicleese ends up facing the Commander in one-on-one combat and kills him. A Persian soldier then approaches Testicleese and tells him that he liked what he just did because he and his fellow soldiers hated the Commander, then he tells his comrades to surrender. The Persians comply and leave the outpost, and the five Spartans congratulate each other on their victory.

The quintet return to Sparta and are hailed as heroes, and they receive a parade in their honor. Sometime later, Claudius tells the documentarians that, in the time that has passed since that parade, Shazaam took over his restaurant, but he reinvented the menu so the dishes are now all made with cats. Demetrius became a piano player for a swing band, and his dog, Zeus, does a mean tap dance routine during their shows. Testicleese got married to Aurillia, and though she was a little shocked when she discovered that he didn’t have any genitals, they adopted a child. Darryl underwent a test that proved that he was mentally handicapped, which Claudius is not happy about because that means that he now owes Testicleese five dollars. As for himself, he got his job back as East District Manager of the Spartan army and guards the goat path again, and though it is not an exciting life, he is happy because his ex-wife was hit by a bus and he got the insurance check.

LONG VERSION:
After finding out that Darryl (David Leo Schultz), Shazaam (Ed Portillo), and Demetrius (Sunny Peabody) were easily swindled out of their water, food, and map by a con man by trading those with him for useless items, Testicleese (Brandon Tyra) decides that the trio do not have what it takes to help him rescue Claudius (Tim Larson) from the Persians’ military outpost and will likely get them all killed. Therefore, when they go to sleep that night, he leaves them a hand-drawn map showing them the way back to Sparta before heading for the outpost to save Claudius single-handedly. Meanwhile, the Persian Commander (Les Jennings) informs Claudius that he will be executed tomorrow for failing to provide him with the key to Sparta (which he wants as part of his big plan to overrun Sparta with his soldiers, thinking that, if he accomplishes this, Xerxes will show him favor and release him from having to continue to serve at the outpost).

The next morning, Testicleese comes under attack from a giant, but Darryl, Shazaam, and Demetrius show up before the giant can kill him and help him slay it with the items they got from the con man. After apologizing to them for not trusting and valuing them, he tells them that they ought to just go home on the grounds that they have no food, water, a map, or even weapons to fight with. However, Darryl points out that the way to Oracle Rock is close by. After reaching Oracle Rock, they meet with the Oracle (B.J. Bales), and Testicleese asks her what their destiny is. After saying a bunch of nonsense, the Oracle reveals himself to be a man in women’s clothing as well as just a bad entertainer and DJ, and he admits that he does not actually have the ability to tell the future. As they continue their journey towards the outpost, Shazaam and Demetrius complain about how unproductive their visit to the Oracle was, but Testicleese tells the gang that this journey wasn’t about them coming to see the Oracle; it was about the hero’s journey that they all took together, and they made it. He then goes on to say that, if the Oracle taught them anything, it’s that they don’t need magic or weapons; they just need each other, and then he encourages the guys to pledge to rescue Claudius. Suddenly, Testicleese’s love interest, Aurillia (Heaven Peabody), appears pledging her aid as well, and she tells them that she received word from inside the Persian outpost that Claudius is scheduled to be executed, so they have to act now. With Testicleese’s help, Aurillia spends the next 15 minutes teaching the gang some fighting techniques in preparation for what lies ahead.

After arriving a short distance away from the outpost, Aurillia orders Darryl, Shazaam, and Demetrius to create a diversion and draw the Persian troops away from their posts while she and Testicleese infiltrate the stronghold, find the dungeon, and rescue Claudius. After Darryl, Shazaam, and Demetrius execute their diversion on the guards at the main gate, Testicleese and Aurillia sneak inside, but then Demetrius hears his dog, Zeus (who was earlier kidnapped by the Persians), barking inside the outpost and tells the others that they have to go in and save him. As Testicleese and Aurillia sneak around the place, they happen upon a meeting going on between the Persian Commander and his troops, and the Commander announces to his men that they will be attacking Sparta tonight. Aurillia tells Testicleese that they must warn Sparta, but he replies that there is no time for that, so they continue with their search. They soon find Claudius’ cell, but Claudius tells them that he is not leaving this place and wants to die because he feels that he is no leader. However, after Testicleese and Aurillia tell him that they and the others plan on getting some ice cream sundaes after they defeat the Persians, he changes his mind, puts his armor on, and arms himself with his rolling pin. Just before Claudius and Testicleese head out to take on the Persians, Aurillia tells them that she is going to stay behind to free the other Spartans imprisoned here.

Claudius and Testicleese run into Darryl while he is being interviewed by the documentary crew, and when they ask him what he is doing here, he tells them that Shazaam and Demetrius went off to save Zeus while he is supposed to disable the alarm. However, they find out that he failed to do this when the alarm goes off moments later, so all three men make a run for it. They soon find themselves confronted by a group of soldiers, but Shazaam and Demetrius reveal that they are masquerading as two of the soldiers when they knock out the others. Darryl suggests to his comrades that they should all get out of here now, but Claudius tells him and the others that what they should really do is stay here and fight, both because this could be an opportunity for them to redeem themselves for abandoning the goat path two years ago to seek personal glory with King Leonidas and his 300 soldiers (which enabled the Persians to use the path to flank Leonidas and his army at the Hot Gates) and because this could be their chance to become the legitimate Spartan warriors that they always dreamed of being.

Soon after, the five Spartans confront the Persian Commander and his men while they are still having their meeting, and the Commander tells Claudius that he is going to give him one last chance to give him the key to Sparta, promising him a quick death and his friends’ freedom if he does. After he has a discussion with the other Spartans about it, Claudius tells the Persian Commander that he will give him the key, but then he reveals that the key is not an actual key, but an acronym (Kindness, Earnestness, Y not?). Infuriated about this, the Commander orders his men to kill the five Spartans. After some intense combat that sees the Spartans effectively fighting the Persians, sometimes in ridiculous ways, Testicleese finds himself dueling the Persian Commander up on top of one of the towers. The Commander eventually gets the upper hand on Testicleese, but just as he is about to slay him, Claudius gets Testicleese’s attention and throws him his rolling pin, and Testicleese uses it to impale the Commander through his abdomen before kicking him over the edge of the tower to his death. Having just seen this happen, the Commander’s emissary (Nathan Hopkins) becomes so overcome with grief that he jumps over the edge to his death as well. One of the Persian soldiers then comes up to Testicleese and informs him that he likes what he just did because he and the other soldiers hated the Commander, and then he tells the surviving Persians to surrender immediately. All the Persians comply with this order and leave the outpost, and after Demetrius is reunited with Zeus, the five Spartans congratulate each other on their victory.

Sometime later, Claudius tells the documentarians that his and his companions’ heroics (as well as their reclamation of the outpost for Sparta) made all the newspapers, and they received a parade in Sparta in their honor. He then goes on to explain what happened to everyone afterwards:

Shazaam took over his restaurant, Sparties, but he reinvented the menu so the dishes are now all made with cats. The restaurant continues to do well despite the poor reviews it received for the change in menu.
Demetrius became a piano player for the Mighty Spartones, a government-sponsored swing band, and from what he hears, Zeus does a mean tap dance routine during their shows.
Testicleese and Aurillia got married, and though Aurillia was a little shocked when she discovered that Testicleese didn’t have any genitals, they ended up adopting a child.
Darryl underwent a test that proved that he was mentally handicapped, which he is not happy about because that means that he now owes Testicleese five dollars (also, a photo shows that Darryl ended up starting a relationship with the Oracle).

As for Claudius himself, he got his job back as East District Manager of the Spartan army and guards the goat path again. He tells the audience that, although he doesn’t lead an exciting life, he is happy because his ex-wife recently got hit by a bus and he got the insurance check.